As Justin has arrived safely on The Ivory Coast to complete his business deal with the Arabians, I thought it only fair that I tell him all about my own business. I am the largest importer of pubic wigs and pickled cucumbers in the Western Hemisphere! I am bit miffed as he still hasn't sent me a love poem so he's had a gentle reminder!
Hello my darling Justin.
I was happy to hear that you have arrived safely at youir destination on The Ivory Coast. What an exciting life you lead! I am so glad to hear that you are successfull in your business deals and that you are being treated well by your business associates. Please make sure you wear a hat and plenty of sunscreen to protect that delicate fair skin of yours or you will end up looking like a sun dried beetroot!! The weather there is awfully hot.
I have realised that I haven't told you about my own business. How very remiss of me!! I own a small but extremely successfull company called 'Merkins and Gherkins.' I am the largest exporter of pubic wigs and pickled cucumbers in the Western Hemisphere. They may seem a funny combination but believe me, it goes down a storm with the Hollywood 'A listers'. I have provided many a merkin to top Hollywood producers and my furry flange fillers have graced the genitals of such film greats as George Clooney, Sienna Miller, Danny DeVito and Jennifer Aniston. I think the most memorable and probably most widely talked about merkin usage was the one I made especially for Thora Hird for her imfamous nude scene in Last of the Summer Wine. It took months and months of work to get the fit and style just right as Thora was a rather unusual shape 'down below'. She was also extremely fussy and a bit of a perfectionist! I can laugh about it now but at the time, she drove me to the point of breakdown. She insisted on it being made from the fur of the endangered Mantled Howler Monkey so I found myself on an expedition to Southern Mexico of all places. The little buggers are pretty hard to track down, them being endangered and all that but I did manage to find a couple and after slipping them a few bananas spiked with rohypnol, I carefully gave them both a short back and sides and was on my way. I worked night and day for 2 weeks solid to make Mrs Hirds merkin. I stitched, glued and bouffanted and the finishing touch was a neat set of diamonique crystals in the shape of a 'T'. Many people have said that I and Mrs Hirds Merkin were the catalyst that sparked off the current fashion of 'vajazzling', and I do believe we were!
Currently the most popular styles of Merkin I sell are the pirate (with a removable japs eye patch), the Flange 'Fro (a hugely bushy early Jackson 5 tribute merkin) and the seasonal Halloween Howler with removable sound board that when pressed plays various phrases such as 'welcome to the tuna tunnel of hell', 'enter the cave of doom, you'll never leave' and 'trick or treat, heres my magic wand to eat' whilst accompanied by various screams and howling noises. So far it's proving a best seller!
The gherkins I sell are of the highest quality and I pride myself on only using local organic suppliers. What is so amazing about my gherkins I hear you ask? Well my gherkins are no ordinary gherkins young man! Oh no! They are unique and not to be found anywhere else. They are not just your common or garden gherkin, these are super gherkins! They don't come in just the usual vinegar flavour, oh no, we are extremely diverse. Tell me Justin, have you ever tried a double choc ammoretto gherkin? I thought not!! How about a strawberry milkshake and pukka pie flavoured one? Ah ha!! And the bubble gum and Harveys Bristol Cream ones are just divine. Your tastebuds will never have experienced such delights as they sensation you get when munching down on one of mine. Justin, you really have to try them at some point.
So how come merkins and gherkins? Well, on one of my regular trips to the USA, delivering a job lot of blue tinted merkins for the contraversial sex scene in the latest blockbuster 'Smuf' movie, I had a jar of my home made gherkins with me. I was sat, happily munching down on an extra large turkish delight flavoured one when the star of the film, Hank Azaria (yes, it really was him!!) came and enquired about what it was I was deep throating. I gave him a nibble and he was instantly hooked! Word soon spread about my gherkins (and my amazing deep throating abilities!) and I was inundated with requests for my services (ooops I mean products). It all kind of snowballed from there. I now supply both merkins and gherkins to many companies as well as individuals and the profits have reached an all time high this year with the introduction of my new merkin style gherkin holder. It's a fur covered tube with optional removable (fake) genitals that has a convenient and hygenic hole for insertion of the gherkin to avoid a sticky mess of the fingers. A brilliant idea and a stroke of genius don't you agree? Barack Obama and John Major certainly do (not that I am one to name drop of course!)
Anyway, I have taken up too much of your time already my sweet. I just find you so easy to talk to that I sometimes find it hard to stop. I cannot wait until I hear from you again. My heart beats soley for you, my mind thinks of no one but you and my lips await your sweet kises. Oh Justin, I love you so dearly I fear my heart will burst open. Please reply as soon as possibe and don't forget my love poem. Sadly, you seem to have ignored my request for a few rhyming words of devotion from you and this makes me sad. I hope you can send one with your next mail.
My undying love to you forever Justin
From your little dove of light. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
PS. I am glad you are the REAL MAN, not LIKE A MAN but A MAN.
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